Before I begin I want to let you know I cannot take credit for some of the wonderful insight that I have been pondering over. My YAGM loved ones have been teaching me more than they even know. Credit goes to Tessa-God is community. Emily-we are human beings not human doings.
I am a human being. God help me to remember that I am not a human doing.
I have been stuck on thoughts of what I am doing. They are not aggressive thoughts (thankfully) but curious ones. Wondering what am I doing, what worth do I have to give to my community and how do I do so? To counter this I have been trying to think more about the relationships that I form or deepen as opposed to the works that I do. I try to rework my brain into thinking about who I've talked to or what information I learned about someone that day. This is a hard job for the task minded person. But it is also hard for an introverted, shy, and prideful (afraid of rejection or looking dumb, also fear that language will get in the way and we will spend the whole time either just nodding to move the conversation along or asking over and over “what? what does that mean?” and becoming frustrated) person like me. Putting myself out there, going out of my way to find someone to say hi to, start a conversation with, or sit with is hard. It can be scary and at times it can seem exhausting. But that is also why it is considered work.
Getting to know my community. God is community. The more I learn about my community, the more I learn about God. God is like a book, it may be a good book but I won’t know it until I take the initiative, open it up, and spend the time to read it. Just like my community, they are wonderful, but I don’t know that until I step out of my house. It requires work, and sometimes will and determination to get out of my room or off the couch. But, I must say, every time I have, I have returned more joyful than when I left and I return having talked with a friend or met someone new, seen something beautiful, or laughed. I am filled by my community, by God.